I sat down in the pew after dropping our youngest off in the nursery. As I settled into my seat, I turned and looked as someone else sat down at the opposite end of the pew behind us. My eyes widened and I sat, stunned...I NEVER expected them to be there...at our church, all these years later.
You may recall back in 2016 I worked through a series of three blog posts about losing my identity...You can read part one here, part two here, and part three here if you missed them.
Those blog posts really were the starting point of a revival and healing process that the Lord as my Wonderful Counselor walked me through. There's been a small gap in the story that I never shared publicly.
Back in 2019, He gave me a vision of the work that He was doing within me. I sat outside of a youth conference auditorium and wept to my mom on the phone...He had given me a vision of the ball and chain falling off, and I knew. I knew it meant He was freeing me of the pain of the past. Then, in 2020, He had me relive events reflective of many instances from those high school days. But instead of adding to the trauma, He shined light into the places, the lies, and the pain that had been buried for so long. 2020 caused a lull, a pause in what I was doing here in this space.
In fact, I haven't actually sat down to write a whole lot since around that time. I've been present online on Facebook and Instagram, but I haven't done much as far as writing...
But God is a God of full-circles...and here, He has brought me all the way around...to the days of high school where I was sitting on my floor assembling a mock-magazine, sitting in the midst of an identity I wasn't aware of, losing sight of His plan for my life, and struggling through the typical high school struggles...all the way to the boy who hurt me and was used by the enemy to cause so much strife and hurt in my soul, bringing his family to church and sitting in the pew behind us. Behind me, my husband Andrew, and our (now) family of 6 boys.
And I wondered, first-off, why do I feel like I should still feel rattled...and then realizing, I don't actually feel rattled. And then fear, what if he is still angry and grabs my second-to-youngest who was sitting in front of him and makes demands? And then the question...how can I take the same communion as him? Do I get up and leave so that I don't have to take communion with him? Do I stay and just not take it?
But then Jesus whispered to my heart and He said, "I took communion with Judas."
And I thought of all that I've learned of Judas and Jesus, and how the last five years have been a process of working through betrayal and forgiveness. My Lord steadying me in who He is through me, my identity resting in His security.
And I realized, this is it. This is the body of Christ. Wounded people, forgiving and sharing in the most tender meal served. Sharing in the cup of wonder. The sweet reminder that we have all betrayed Him and He still chooses us.
A week later, I received a message...At first, I didn't want to open the message. I just wanted to let it rest, and keep living life. BUT, a wise friend said, " you need to open it. it might be part of his healing too."
So I opened it, read it fully, and was pleasantly surprised at how kind and humble it was:
"Hi, I would just like to reach out and apologize for the way I have acted and treated you in the past. It was not christian. So that being said. I want to respect the fact that your family has attended East Lincoln all these past years I am reaching out to ask if it will bother you and yours if we start attending. The last thing I want to do is hinder a family or individual from church. So if my presence at East Lincoln is something you would prefer not to deal with I will respectfully find another church for my family to attend. If its not an issue I hope we can someday put the past behind us and move forward as friends and siblings in Christ. P.S. you have a very beautiful family. God has surely blessed you and Andrew."
I responded, told him I forgive him, and that none of us would find issue with his family attending church. And that's that.
That's healing.
The full circle from hurt and trauma, to struggle and anxiety, to a breaking and a steadying, to healing and peace. And none of it came through another person. God didn't use someone to heal me or break me free, He did it in His own gentle, tender way. A way that would show me more about Him in me, than about me.
He's funny, the way He does things. I went from sitting on my bedroom floor, hurt and making a magazine, to Him giving me an office, healed and blossoming and launching a magazine. A print one that people have ordered and are subscribing to and will be sent out to homes across the US.
None of this, I could have made up, or imagined beforehand. Forgiveness is a funny thing. I think when you're open to the process, and tenderhearted, with hands wide open, it just kind of sneaks up on you and before you know it, the wounds seem distant, and like faint memories of the past.
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