Had I Known...

Had I known where I would be five years later...

I sit at my desk, open Chrome and type in "p-i-n." I head there so often my browser offers the remaining letters to me and I hit enter.

The bright red bar, the various photographs related to things I've recently been pinning burst to light on my screen.

I begin scrolling, thinking about the reason that I came, and my thoughts drift back to five years ago...

The phrase is a common one in this era but I feel crumbled in the thought,

- God is WRECKING me -

I am remembering the pain and the fight that I was enduring in that transitional season.

The picture of my past "office" comes to mind as I think about our painful time of living in a townhome after losing our first home to foreclosure and I am propelled forward to the current reason I am heading to Pinterest and opening up my Office board.

For the last nine years, it seems, I have been fighting to find my relevance, my importance, my purpose (other than motherhood), my dream to follow, my passion. I have been fighting to figure out WHO He made me to be, and what my interests truly are.

After getting married, starting and ending my own photography business, trying to start my own online shop, trying to start as a blogger, trying to be a graphic designer, trying to make things to sell, I am learning that I was always on the right path - the timing just wasn't quite right. What I was doing at the time was right for that time, and just preparing me for what was coming.

Our God is SO good.

The things that I was trying my hand at never excluded God from the picture. My goal was always to interweave His purpose with the work of my hands. It is because of that fact, I believe, that none of what I was trying to do was to go to waste.


I am just a mess in humbleness right now.

My goal of opening Pinterest today was to find ideas to develop a functional workspace so that I can assemble the planners and package magazines and Bible studies that I am working on.

All of my dreams are coming true.

I hope this doesn't discourage you if you are reading this and still in a season of fighting. As I scrolled through the photos looking for the ones you see above from my past, the pain hangs in the air of many of the pictures. Twinges to my heart would come as I scrolled through the documenting of that time.

But at the same time, had I known...I don't believe the time would have been any less painful. In fact, I believe it would have been less fruitful had I known what was to come.

I wouldn't have fought as hard to stay on track, to dig out the treasure waiting for me, to maintain a relationship that I was so afraid was dead (in reality, I believe it was in a cacoon, working through the painful process of transition into a truly beautiful faith) - I would have missed out on all of the beautiful moments, the opportunities that I had to try my hand at, the learning chances that I seized in hopes of developing a passion.

All that to say...

Don't give up, don't be discouraged. Perhaps you are in a time of cacoon - keep working, keep striving, keep looking to Him for your next step and don't be afraid to step out in faith, even if it may seem crazy - if it's your dream, chances are that He will honor what you try to do in His name.

I am coming to see many of my dreams and things that I tried in the past, come together and merge into one dream that I never thought was still a dream.

The way that all of the things I have done in my past are coming together is incredible, and more than I ever could have hoped or imagined.

I pray that the same may be true for you, too.

Keep pressing on!


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