Losing my Identity | part 3

I was resenting my faith. I was building myself a tough exterior made up of sarcasm (not a gun - I'm no Sanda Bullock haha!), words that belittled people and an act of being energetic and loud. I knew how to get looks from people and get the attention that I was craving in hopes of it helping me to heal.

If you missed it, you can start here at part one or go here to read part two.

I don't need to tell you, I'm sure, that none of that helped me to heal, it only grew my pains.

My parents and I decided that I would not be going back to school that fall because I needed the space from my ex. I also began attending youth group at the St Croix church because my ex was at our home church.

By the time the ice of fall had set in I thought I was healed. I wanted to be healed. I willed myself to be healed. I was having precious time with Jesus and I thought that I should find out where he was at.

I created a fake email id (thanks yahoo for not having to have a real identity to create an email!) that I would email him from. I began innocently by telling him that I was a friend from camp and I just wanted to know how he was doing so I could pass it on to...myself...

I don't remember how long this lasted or how the word came out that it was happening, but my parents found out and I don't think I had computer time for a long, long time.

I had become so addicted to him that even months later, I could still not let him go. I was so wrapped up in him, so entwined to him that I didn't know what to do or what to be to heal.

That was the last incident that I remember happening with him.

Each time my parents ended up intervening and each time I lost a little more of myself.

What I didn't realize is how that one single relationship would carve away myself. I began as a strong, confident, assertive young woman and I came out of it hurt, fearful, worrisome, lonely and broken.

I lost so much of who I was and I NEVER knew it.

Until a little over a year ago when I began going through the book, Salvaging My Identity with my dear Jenny friend.

It was through reading that book that I began realizing that I had no idea who I was in Christ anymore and that was why I had been struggling for so long with so many things.

Shortly after, I began realizing how many side-effects from the breakup had stuck with me. I was fearful in my marriage (with nothing to fear), I worried about everything, I couldn't sleep without the TV on because of all of the fear and worry that raged around inside my head, I have an anger that I didn't understand when I lost control of any situation, I couldn't sit in a quiet room without having music or a TV on, and so on.

So many things have become clear to me since dissecting this whole trauma.

I still have a hard time really considering it as a "trauma" but I guess the definition is, "a deeply distressing or disturbing experience," so it actually qualifies.

What amazes me about the whole situation is how deeply it impacted me and how long it has effected everything that I do and all of my relationships.

It goes to show just how impacted we are by people and had I listened to my parent's warnings in the beginning I could have saved myself so much hurt, heartache and identity.

But what has come from me picking up the pieces, I wouldn't change for the world.

I could sit here and feel regret for the whole scenario and wish to go back and change everything and avoid all of the hardships of it but I don't.

I look more at what has come of it.

I found my husband. My relationship with Christ is now richer and more active than it ever has been and I had to learn early on and really fast how to cling to him. I have had to be very intentional to find my identity in him versus just skating by and having everything go easily.

In the end, I guess I'm thankful for my hardships because I know very clearly and obviously how active Christ is in my life. How his hand has upheld me through my darkest of days.

So there it is. All laid out. If you're still here with me, thanks for reading along as I sort out my past hurts and find ways to speak truth to my own heart as I type.

I'm glad you're with me on this harshly real journey.

You can read part one here or part two here.


  1. I once had a boyfriend who hacked into my email to read things I was sending to others, he was emotionally abusive and really bad for me.... and yet I would still call him, still meet him for dinner, still allow him to control my feelings. Live and learn I suppose. It's the path that brought me to my husband, and I wouldn't change that either!

  2. It's amazing how often it happens and how easily we just allow it to control us but it's scary to face the reality of what's happening. I love that it brought you to your husband, as did mine! What a sweet thing for our husbands to be our heroes that way. :)

  3. Beautiful! I'm so glad I read this! And I know I said back in Part 1 that I think you are so brave! Your vulnerability and willingness to bare your soul this way is inspiring!

    How we react to the traumatic events in our lives is EVERYTHING! It's not about the event itself, but how we choose to trust God in the midst of it. I can say first hand that it's so easy to put up walls around your heart, and once they are up, it's extremely painful to try and tear them down. But after you do, there is freedom to experience beyond your wildest imagination! Thank you so much for sharing how you've found your freedom!

  4. Thank you for sharing all of this, I understand some of what you went though and you've really made me start thinking about some things.. Thank you!

  5. Thanks for reading, Emily! I appreciate your encouragement a lot!!! :) Everything you say is so true! I'm so glad that you're on this journey with me. <3

  6. You're welcome, thanks for stopping by! I'm glad that I could meet you in what you have gone through as well. I hope everything goes well for you! :)