A SOUND - was someone at the door? A car - did they pull in the driveway? Who is coming, hunting for me? My mind runs wild; a million different fears flood in and chaos overtakes my heart. I squeeze my eyes shut and it just gets worse - now I can't see what false fears are coming to attack and pillage me.
I didn't used to be so fearful, so small or so over-run with discomposure. It was two years ago that I was fighting tooth and nail with our mortgage company to try and save our home from being foreclosed on. It was just under two years that I received the notice in the mailbox (on my birthday no less) that we had a sheriff's sale date set: September 4th - our 4th anniversary. It was just a little past that when we moved into the slums of our hometown to avoid having to be kicked out of our first home. Shortly thereafter I answered the door to a police officer reporting that they had received an abused animal report on us that when checked into was bogus.
[caption id="attachment_1191" align="alignnone" width="620"]
image courtesy of unsplash.com[/caption]I stopped opening mail or even checking the mailbox. I jump anytime a car door slams outside our home. I cringe and my heart skips a beat every time the doorbell rings for fear of someone telling us we have to leave. Fear of someone handing us a letter stating that one of us will be going to jail. There is no basis for these fears. Jesus has so graciously provided for every one of our needs - a home on short notice TWICE, a gracious police officer that was so kind when he was talking to me. A home for the dog that we were attempting to re-home. Money whenever we need it to keep up on our bills.
I still can't seem to conquer the fear. I take one step forward, two steps back. It becomes so crippling I can't function enough to get my daily tasks done and I break. I snap at my children for being children. I can't handle their noise on top of the chaotic earthquake that is raging in my mind and thus moves into my heart and it HURTS. I crack and crack and crack again until I just can't move. I forget that Jesus is the bearer of burdens, he holds our future in his nail-pierced hands.
He alone can grant me the peace that I so long for.
And I know that and yet I forget. I think about how much I long for my children to come to me when they are hurt, afraid or even excited - how much I long for them to know how deeply I love them and I think about Jesus. He does it perfectly. My heavenly father loves me with a perfect, steadfast love and doesn't end even when I have ridiculous fears that have no merit. Even when I forget about him, he holds me.
He longs for me to turn my face to his, for me to pour my fears out to him and I picture him tilting my chin to look into his loving, fierce, hope-filled eyes and brushing my little fly-aways back and saying, "it's ok, I got this. As long as you keep your eyes here everything will be ok. Will the fears still be there? Sure but they won't seem as big if you keep your eyes on your bigger Father. Lean into my embrace and rest. I won't let your kids forget that you love them, I will pick up where you are weak. Just lean into me. Let me carry your burden just as my Son took your punishment and I that burden."
And I cry. Out of relief. Out of revelation. Out of the realization that the God that I serve is so much more than that. He is my creator, my maker, my bridegroom. He longs for me to love him as he loves me.
“Just as I swore in the time of Noah
that I would never again let a flood cover the earth,
so now I swear
that I will never again be angry and punish you.
10 For the mountains may move
and the hills disappear,
but even then my faithful love for you will remain.
My covenant of blessing will never be broken,”
says the Lord, who has mercy on you.
11 “O storm-battered city,
troubled and desolate!
I will rebuild you with precious jewels
and make your foundations from lapis lazuli.
12 I will make your towers of sparkling rubies,
your gates of shining gems,
and your walls of precious stones.
13 I will teach all your children,
and they will enjoy great peace.
14 You will be secure under a government that is just and fair.
Your enemies will stay far away.
You will live in peace,
and terror will not come near.
15 If any nation comes to fight you,
it is not because I sent them.
Whoever attacks you will go down in defeat.
Isaiah 54:9-15
He longs for me.
And suddenly my fears are lessened, my head is clearer, my Peace is returning. I am energized, I am refreshed, I am loved.
Accept His love today friend, he freely gives it.
<3 Kayla
As someone who suffers from anxiety as a result of fear, I need to remember this. I turn no big deal things into huge things because I fear they will become out of control and I won't be able to handle the situation. I was fired from my first job out of college, or as she like to put it asked to leave so it won't look bad on my resume. Now, no matter where or how long I have worked at my job, or variety of jobs in the past I fear getting fired or let go or not doing or being good enough for my employer. As much as I love my job now, I still have this fear. Thanks for reminding me to rest peacefully into His plan for my life and His love.
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing how things that really could be little effect us mentally. I'm so glad that I could encourage you where you're at! <3 I will keep praying that you cling to the Father's hands during the most anxious of times.
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