Cleaning My Heart to Clean My Body

There is a huge craze going on right now with the whole fitness, clean eating and whole foods thing. This is a great fad, but it does get overdone. I have felt the shame and embarrassment of not being "on the craze" or not being enough because of it.

Growing up, I was always pretty naturally athletic. I loved playing outside, I loved sports, I loved running around. It's easy, as a kid, to appreciate all of that. We have so much pent up energy when we are young.

And when we are in school it's easy to stay active because your parents pay for gym classes, after school sports and your gym membership if you need it.

You are required to complete a gym class now and then and they offer really fun things! What I missed out on is the appreciation of working out and maintaining that in your schedule as you grow up.

I home schooled my last year of high school and after I was going to WITC and working a pretty full time job. I never worked anything into my schedule on my own during that time. I never had the opportunity to develop my own love for health and fitness, there was so much more that I was working through.

After getting married, things didn't improve at all. I got pregnant four short months after and being pregnant, working full time, being newly married, just doesn't make for very healthy decisions when you just don't understand food and fitness.

I did not.

I would come home, angry at Andrew for not having done "anything" at home while I was working. I was tired, I was hungry, I was stressed. I coped.

By eating.

I had to eat while I was pregnant. I couldn't not eat. The idea terrified me. After I had our first one nursing did not help me. I was hungry. All. Day. Long. My body was burning so many calories and I didn't know what to put in my body to make it happy.

I tried joining a gym but I was in such a lonely, desert place in my life that I just couldn't make myself do it. If I did, I didn't know what to do.

I don't like exercising by myself.

After Pinterest became a thing, I began learning about health and fitness but still couldn't bring myself to doing it.

I am only now coming to learn that there was more than just laziness or un-interest blocking my way to losing weight and being healthy.

My heart was unhealthy.

No, I wasn't having heart attacks or strokes or anything like that. In that sense, my heart is very healthy. My heart was wounded and needing restoration.

I just recently became aware that I believe I struggle with an eating disorder called B.E.D.: binge eating disorder. I have not been formally diagnosed and I will not go in to the Dr for it. I am going to attack it from a spiritual level which is where I believe it ultimately springs from.

Gluttony is one of the things that the Bible warns about and here in America where we live in abundance, it is so easy to succumb to that. Especially when we can turn to it as a god in our lives that fills all of the voids in our selves.

I found myself eating not only for sustenance but to feel something. To control something. I have been eating to the point of making myself sick. I would eat until full and if I still had something on my plate, I HAD to eat it. even if it was almost the size of the meal that I had just eaten.

I have been out-eating my husband and my in-laws at meals.

I just couldn't stop.

So on Monday, I fasted. I was finding myself thinking about food almost every minute of every day and I am ASHAMED of that.

You have no idea how embarrassing it is to have something so gross ugly controlling me.

So my fast on Monday. It was so healing for my heart. I can't even explain. And I didn't do it the entire day on Monday. I gave in to my hunger by the end of the day when Andrew was home and I over ate again.


But I am freed.

I am whole.

I am loved.

I am good.

Because of Christ who lives in me.

He sustains me. He does.

I became faithless and had to fill my stomach myself that night.

I did not fast again yesterday but I practiced restraint. I had a cup of coffee for breakfast, water infused with blueberries throughout the day and I had lunch with the kids. Just a sandwich, a few tortilla chips and a handful of blueberries. Maybe not the healthiest choices, but it was CONTROLLED.

And I stopped after I had finished the amount that I had on my plate. I did not snack at all during the day and for dinner I had just half a bowl of mac n cheese with peas and cream of chicken. Again, I know it's not the healthiest choice that I could have made. The point is that it was CONTROLLED.

And here we are. I had a smoothie for a late breakfast today and I am CONTROLLING my consumption. I am paying attention to what I am putting in me and I am RESISTING the temptation to shovel things in like there is no tomorrow.

I cannot speak for this afternoon or tomorrow, but I am trying. My eyes have been opened to my struggle and I am fighting with Christ as my foundation and need instead of food being my comfort and need.

I want this thing gone. My body shape will come in time, for now, I want my heart back. I want my mind back and I want Jesus to have it all.


  1. Fasting is such a difficult spiritual practice, but it is certainly worth the effort. Funny how going without can be so filling in other ways...

  2. Fasting is such a difficult spiritual practice, but it is certainly worth the effort. Funny how going without can be so filling in other ways... Your honesty and open heart are beautiful, friend.

  3. Thanks Rachel! It was so interesting because my mom had mentioned it and then Pastor talked about it two weeks in a row. It was definitely a message for me. :)

  4. I can relate to this so much! I find myself using food for comfort so often and I hate it. After not having my quiet time with the Lord for WEEKS I was so overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions one morning that I finally took a bath and read from Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. Her words are so beautiful and really make you see Jesus in a new way that I broke down and God gave me the words of "sleep will not give you rest when it's your soul that is tired and food will not fill you when it's your soul that is hungry"! I pray He continues to give you strength!

  5. That is so beautiful, thank you so much for the encouragement. I was actually hit with a wave of discouragement today so your comment timing was God-sent. <3 I haven't read Ann, I began it a couple of times but just couldn't get into it. I may have to borrow my mom's copy again and re-start. :)

  6. […] And also, a struggle. A struggle of the heart, the mind and the soul. […]